Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
