Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”