ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Thaw me like one of your french fries
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs