Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..