Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
What
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please