Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
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“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.