Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
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for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.