Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

Unimpressed

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.