Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom making me talk to relatives

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”