Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
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I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.