@Dad_At_Law

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

You Might Also Like

@AndyAsAdjective

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

@shannonrwatts

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

@thenatewolf

Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.

@PaperWash

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

@Spaziotwat

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

@JohnLyonTweets

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

@Vhalechark

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

@ColoChiver

Is life fair? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooo.

@vertdegrey

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

@SoulYodeler

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.