Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.