Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

When your diet is finally over.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.