Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.