Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Body by cheese-puffs.

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

Cats are still liquid.

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes