me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
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Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
why no one uses midhusbands
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Priorities
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale