Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.