Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.