ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
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Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…