me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
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interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong