me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
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I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Creepy-crawlies
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Sheep
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers