me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
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Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Hello Twits.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk