@FredTaming

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

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@BattyMclain

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

@itsboyschapter

you never gotta worry about me cheating on you… i might eat something that was yours but thats about it

@DamonHunzeker

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

@KeetRidley

“Hey, your fly’s down”

Oh shit..

*pets fly’s head* you’ll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we’ll get you some new wings

@ozzyunc

You’d think a pandemic
would have more bread.

@nealbrennan

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

@TheCatWhisprer

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

@robdelaney

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

@dorsalstream

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now