Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
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you never gotta worry about me cheating on you… i might eat something that was yours but thats about it
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
“Hey, your fly’s down”
*pets fly’s head* you’ll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we’ll get you some new wings
You’d think a pandemic
would have more bread.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.