Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

May never get over this

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings