Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?