*me flirting
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Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.