*me flirting
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I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me trying to walk in a dream
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN