Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.

Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”