Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

This probably isn’t good

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.