Me, flirting😏
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I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Just ordered me some pizza!
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)