Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.