Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.

The office holiday party is next week.

Coincidence?

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor