Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?