me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
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asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
The Punning Dead.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
“The Perfect Relationship”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
The Joker was right
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.