me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
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My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal