Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
![]()
![]()
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche