Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

oh u like geography? name every lake

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

They should make a moral fiber supplement

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun