Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

Cucumbers Anonymous

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

The human personality is made of five key elements

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?