Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother