Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
more water
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Couple goals
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆