Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
broke down and did it
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off