[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
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I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
When you don’t understand how floors work
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
*exercises sarcastically*
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.