[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
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[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
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My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
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