*me flirting
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Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
concern
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Not helping
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
