Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

Sounds like a real hoot.

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable