Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
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Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
🤣🤣🤣
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.