Me, flirting馃槒
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“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
People who think it鈥檚 okay to drop by,
It鈥檚 not okay. If you aren鈥檛 carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
My Plans 2020
Breaking news:
Me: sorry, I can鈥檛 take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there鈥檚 a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it鈥檚 improbable
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.