Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
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Last-minute gift idea!
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it