Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.