Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

😍😂🥰😂😍

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

it is time once again

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.