Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

Okey dokey.

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.