Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

we’re gonna need another temp

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

first you must answer his riddles