Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
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This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Mornin
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation