Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?