Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Best table by far
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
ready to be harvested
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.