Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

good work, everybody

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

This anagram machine is out of order.

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?