Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
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I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
This line from Airplane.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*