Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
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Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.