Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

🙏🏾

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING