Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
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Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
j o i m p
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
