Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60