Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
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I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
“That’s what” – She
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Jupiter
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job