me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Did my cat write this
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Sunday
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote