Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

idk flipping houses looks really hard

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby