Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*