@pinupteacher

ME: For my final wish, I’d like to lose some weight.

GENIE: Only way is to eat less and exercise more.

ME: This is bullshit.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

@CheryeDavis

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

@elizabeth_fels

PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him

ELENA: He’s not!

PUTIN: (softly) u…s…

[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!

@MrsMikePatton

Maybe if we press “2” for Spanish, we’ll actually get someone that speaks English better then the person on the “1” line.

@TheDiLLon1

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

@DontWorryBoutB

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

@shahrouzt

The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

@envydatropic

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?