If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
ME: For my final wish, I’d like to lose some weight.
GENIE: Only way is to eat less and exercise more.
ME: This is bullshit.
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If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.
A little too much information.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Maybe this lady is trying to perpendicular park.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I live in constant fear that someone will reply “yikes” to my tweet, thereby ambiguously indicating I’ve said something improper
Killing mosquitoes by smashing them in mid-air as they fly by is so satisfying until you accidentally hit a person in the head.
We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.