In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
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COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.