Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.