Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

Good morning