Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
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Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?