Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

The three genders.

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

I feel it

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce