Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Breaking news:

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

not for long

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO